So, crap.  I don't what is worse....the fact that it is all burning or I am here.  I hate being here right now.  HATE IT!  A fire that has consumed hundreds of thousands of acres is burning out of control on the Kenai right now.  My favorite place on earth is being turned to ash as I sit in California.  It has left me profoundly unsettled and depressed.  I feel I should be THERE at a time like this. I hate having to rely on the words and pictures of others.  I hate not being there to help if needed.  I hate having to think of all the devastation and not being to see it with my own eyes.  I HATE IT!  I have never been "personally" affected by a natural disaster before.  I say that not to put myself in the situation of those in danger but my own emotions are being sorely twisted by this fire.  Not only are many friends in danger, but the place I love is being destroyed.  It will grow back but it will never look the same in my life.  I have 38 days until I land.  It can't come fast enough.  Instead I am struck in this......   Why can't I find a way to be happy? I know what it will take to BE happy but I can't quite there. Instead it is struggle.  I miss Alaska so horribly I honestly don't know how to take it some days. So watching this has left my more upset than I can remember....          

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