So, I'm heading home to Alaska in July! This is the boat that I will spending the week of July 6 through 13th in. I can't wait until that moment when I pull out of the headwaters of the Kasilof and into the open lake. My lake. Tustumena. I am certain that I will cry with relief and joy. Jeremy and I are going to spend 4 or 5 days up there. Get some packrafts and paddle around the lake at the base of the glacier. Maybe go camp up on the Harding ice field. Be men. Celebrate my 40th birthday in the place where my ashes will be spread one day. I 'm not sure why turning 40 bothers me so much. I feel like I have made many poor choices in life. I moved to California to make money primarily. 10 months later I am more broke than ever before. Living on credit cards. Jeremy and I are still not practicing in the same building. I am working for cheap. I work at least 50% more each day than I did in Alaska and I make thousands less a month.  This seems like a lousy place to spread my dirty laundry but I do so to capture the moment.  I need to remember these 12 hour days.  Working for free because clients stiff me.  Undercharging everyone just for a chance to be in Court.  But.  I am certain that my life will improve.  That I will get to see and do the things that I want to do.  That the (literal) heart ache that I feel for Alaska every single day will fade.  

That my office will be done one day.
That I will be able to give my kids the things I want. And I will be able to make enough money that I can have that land in Alaska. Build that log cabin. See thunderstorms in Darwin Australia. Rent a villa in Tuscany for a week. I have spent my life defending the rights of the poor and the downtrodden. I don't regret that for even one moment. I am proud of my life's work of upholding the Constitution. But, as I approach 40, I feel my time to live life is growing shorter and shorter. It's messing with my head and my heart.  So.  I find enjoyment in what I can.  My garden and aquaponics (G and I are building a giant new system, above).  My kids.I drove Kadee to her last day of Grade One last week and we were both in tears.  For the same reason...the quick passage of time.  I went home to Victoria this last week and spent time with old, dear friends.  Drank too much and had a great time.   Well.
Back to work. There is a lot to do before I can spend a week home.

Comments

Good to hear you'll be back in Alaska. Hopefully I can be able to go home too next month. I am so excited!
I'm happy for you and Jeremy. I'm sure you had a great time in Alaska.

Penelope
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