So, the last few weeks have been busy.  As it stands right now I am sitting here alone at almost 2 am having a drink of whiskey.  Just came back from dipnetting and had to process 58 fish.  Alaska's bounty is pretty crazy.  I learned that last week when we caught too many halibut.  I got popped by the Troopers, and despite being cooperative, being over limit in Alaska is a A misdemeanor.  My first 'crime'.  I have retained counsel and am hoping to plead it down to a violation.  Let me tell you, I was awfully careful tonight.  It's just too easy to get swept away with the fish and lose count.  It's sloppy but easy to do. The only upside to that stressful event was I found the most amazing halibut hole that is close to an amazing place to camp. I will go back when G gets here and get some more fish.  Funny...all the times I went out and never caught anything... Dipnetting was the usual shit show but once a few of the folks cleared out it was as amazing as always. One more night and we will have enough fish for the rapidly approaching winter. As good as the fishing has been let me tell you the most important thing that has happened to me. I drove J and the girls the airport yesterday. They are in England for three weeks, and I am alone. Coming home to this quiet house yesterday was quite the experience, let me tell you. But that is not the point. This is: I won't lie. Sometimes my kids drive me nuts. I sometimes feel guilty and like I am a bad dad because the noise and activity makes me short tempered. I told myself yesterday when it was time to say goodbye that I wouldn't cry. But I did. And then AJ started. And she was telling me she was going to miss me. Then Kadee started. But for some reason, it was AJ's crying that just broke my heart. This may sound strange coming from a man with three children, one of whom is five. But it wasn't until I watched my little girls being herded through security that I realized that my entire world was right there. I want to do so much better for them. The feel of their little hand in mine. The way I felt watching them leave me. How beautiful they are. I have been struggling lately. With work. My marriage. Me. But those green eyes filled with tears was one of the hardest things I have ever lived through. When they get back I hope I can do a better job. No words could ever say how I much I love those little girls.

Comments

Justin T. said…
Ben getting in trouble for catching too many fish. Now there's something I never saw coming.
Jennifer S said…
We all know you love those girls. We all struggle with the balance of our own lives and the family time. But there must be balance. If I don't take time for me, then I spend the time I do have with the kids pissed off because I don't have time for me. So I have learned to take time for myself. It makes our time together that much more fun. Ben, you are one interesting character.

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