I have heard from some that I have nothing to complain about. Normally, I would be the first one to chime in on the wagon of criticism. It is not my intent to complain. Merely to document. And perhaps help myself to understand my feelings. I will not and cannot talk about all the reasons I feel the way the do. But I know now that this will take some time to pass. There is no objective solution. No amount of intellectualizing will make this pass. A big part of the way I feel is an almost overwhelming loss of objective. Sometimes when I look ahead all I can see is routine. Drudgery. Hopelessness and constancy. All I can do is try to live my life each day. J and I have been making a bigger effort to get out. We have gone swimming for the first time since moving here. We have gone for dinner a number of times. We have had people over. Gone for walks. On the surface life is as it was. And, in some ways, as it should be. The most important thing in the world to me is that Kadee is happy. And so she is. Godamnit I hate the way I feel.
P.S. Kadee has said her first word as of last friday: "tiger".