So, happy Alaskan Halloween. I had intended this time to talk about my grim vision of the future and about how the choices that we make are sliding us into an ugly future. I still intend to write about that soon. Instead, despite the fact that this is a public forum, I intend instead to write about an intensely personal subject. I do so not for answers or sympathy. I do so with a full understanding the risk that scorn and derision may follow. I guess I do so only with the slim hope that writing about it will help focus my thoughts. Quite simply, I am depressed. I cannot address why. I cannot get around the fact that objectively, there is no reason to feel the way I do. I am where I want to be. Doing what I want. I am generally healthy and happy. I am surrounded by some of the finest people on Earth. I cannot ignore the fact that my feelings impact those around me and my relationships suffer. Yet I cannot shake this feeling. It is like concrete setting around me. It is awful. I am having a hard time facing my life, my responsibilities. Do you ever have an awful feeling that life is passing you by? It is odd: when I take stock of where I am and why and my life as a whole, on a wholly intellectual level, I feel fine. But my emotions control right now. Nothing seems to cheer me up. I know this will pass. I know it will pass because it is inevitable that it will. I know it will pass because this is so unusual for me. I know it will pass because it must. Fall will become winter (the snow I was sure would stay is long gone). Winter will become spring. And spring will become halibut season. I guess that makes me feel a tiny bit better. Of course Kadee has more power over me with her little finger than any of you could possibly imagine. If there is one single point, I suppose that is it.

Comments

Skelly said…
Check out Lawyers with Depression, if not for yourself, then for your daughter. You're not alone in dealing with this. Keep posting, and good luck.
Anonymous said…
I can feel the depression creeping around the edges
Like a storm on the horizon, I can smell the danger
Like a predator stalking me in the night, it is coming for me
Reasons unclear, but deep seated
Somehow I need pull up and clear this, the risk is too great now
How come I feel that life is passing me by?
Foolish notions fill my heart and head
There is a huge block in my chest that I can’t reveal or control
Nights I can’t sleep, this could get out of control
I’ve traveled this road before, but I can see that this storm is huge
It’s like doing time keeping my mind clear and today I don’t feel so strong
All I want is to be alone
My heart hurts, my mind swims
Choices made, lives locked into place
I can’t shake this off, I can’t seem to control where I am going
There is no one to talk to about it, I swim alone with my thoughts, fears and dreams
It is times like this when I doubt that I am a happy man
All the good things seem like weights now, the things that used to make me happy weigh me down with doubt and fear
I’m where I want to be but I feel I have squandered my life
is it just a matter of timing?
All I can do is make to the end of the day.
Skelly, thanks. I'll look. Anon, Jesus. Wow. Good advice, I guess. Make it to the end of the day.
Amy Florence said…
Ben

E-mail me! suzanneflorence@gmail.com

I know all about depression for no reason.

I have had the same experience emotionally. Your family is so important and so are you to them!

Amy Florence
Anonymous said…
Since your depression is coming on this time of the year, the fall, I have to wonder if you may have seasonal affective disorder. It is brought on in suseptable individuals by a decrease in light. Medication helps a great deal.
Anon, I thought about the light issue. But I didn't have this last year. I don't think I need counselling or medication. I just need some time. As I said, this is unusual for me so I'm not too worried.
Anonymous said…
some thoughts-based upon my recent thoughts and experiences:

You seem to be 'settled' now. You made it up to alaska and are living there successfully. You've been at your job for a year. In fact, everything you set to accomplish at the start of this blog has been accomplsihed.

Maybe there is nothing to 'look forward' to anymore? No more adventures, no more job searching, nothing to strive for. It's a big drop of adrenalin.

angie
Angies that is certainly part of it. Part of my feelings is a sense of "boredom". If you knew me you would know how crazy that sounds. I am usually referred to as "ADD". Perhaps the routine of being a working man, dad and husband is hard to swallow for a person like me?
Anonymous said…
As I've said, cheer up or I'll give you something to cry about.

g
Anonymous said…
In my case, i know it's the routine of being a working mother, wife and lawyer that gets me down. My job, for the most part, isn't too stressful and it's a job i'll probably be doing for a long time (at least 8 years to get that gov't pension). Same with husband and kid. I live in a nice neighboorhood. Everything is 'settled'. And's that's probably good. Not interesing, but good.

Remember the chinese curse, 'may you live in interesting times',

Is life passing you by? No, because you are living it right now.

My take is that life IS boring. We don't live in a sitcom. And if life is interesting, it's usually in the chinese sense of the term.

angie
Elaine said…
Depression is the black dog that comes after all of us, some more often than others. After 30 years here, winter is a tough time for me (still!), and yes, the changing light is some of it. Angie makes good points; your life is quiet right now because you've accomplished much and now you're sort of waiting. That's hard. I've struggled with depression, and now take meds. Do not be ashamed to take meds if you need them. And remember that taking them for a month or two may get you over a rough patch. Not a sign of weakness (which men are always afraid of). If you had an infection, you would take antibiotics, right? That would just be smart. And exercise helps too (releasing natural antidepressant, serotonin). And sometimes, just sitting by the window, letting the sun warm you, and letting your mind drift. Remember - you are not alone!
Elaine
j said…
I sure hope you listen to some of these comments as, this is making it pretty unhappy for us all. As you said the relationships around you are suffering greatly.
I have tried to be there but you push me away.
Hope all these kind comments help you see the light beyond this darkness you feel right now.
Know your wife loves you very very much
fdr said…
Ben,

I think its very important to address the deep questions of life. Why are we here? Where did we come from? What is our destiny? Does the small little blip of time that is our life, really matter?

I beleive there are good answers to those questions, and I believe that life is not only worth living, but living well. We were created for great purpose. Every life matters as does every moment in our life.

Perahsp there are people that go through life with no concern about meaning and purpose. I think "thinking people," by nature struggle with this.

As far as boredeom goes, if you realize that everything you do does have great meaning, then even the mundane takes on significance.

In any event I feel your pain, and will offer a pray for you and yoru young family. Please pray for me.
Anonymous said…
we really dont know what you have to be depressed about.you have a loving wife and beautiful daughter along with all your possesssions as you always state on your blog.you are always saying about your busy social life.and not to forgetting of course the new arrival due next year.your life should be complete.stop harping on your depressing us all.just grow up and get to grips with it.your wife sounds like a very special person caring for your family and you should show a bit more feeling towards her and be more aware of her needs especially at this time.after all she is the mother of your children and you should be proud of her she is doing a really good job.
Gee anon, isn't that more or less what I said? I have used the "get a grip" argument when I know what the f$#k I am talking about. Beleive me, I had reason to be depressed. But I didn't put it here. As I said, I couldn't talk about the reasons. It is glad to see that you are so fragile that ME being depressed gets you depressed.

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