So, happy Canada Day! Today I celebrated being a citizen of the greatest country on Earth. I know that characterization always drives Americans crazy. I almost always get the comment "then why are you here?" Great question. There are, of course, two answers. First, my life is here. I work here, my children were born here. My home is here. It is not easy to leave. That being said, the United States I moved to in 2000 is not the same country after 8 years of President Bush. I came here to be more free. Now, the US has extraordinary rendition. Torture camps and black prisons. Phone calls are monitored and mail is opened. People are drowned over and over in the name of "freedom". The list of abuses goes on and on. If it had been this way in 2000, I would have never come here. In addition to that, when I moved here I was getting 40 cents on the dollar paying off my Canadian student loans. Now, the US dollar is worth less. Other than guns (thank you Supreme Court for the Heller decision by the way), there is no real reason for me to stay in the United States. Which leads to my second answer. I am not really in the United States. I am in Alaska. Sure, it is technically in the US. But it is, in some ways, the way America used to be. The courts here still have some respect for the Fourth Amendment. We have a defined right to privacy. Plus I like to think that if the crap ever hit the fan that Alaska would just drift away from the decay of the United States. Besides, it just feels different. It feels wild. Here is a picture taken a few days ago by a friend of a friend here in my neck of the woods. Tell me that this is America......and this is why I am here.

P.S. Happy Birthday J! 30 is a big one. It is my birthday tomorrow. I remember turning 30 about 5 minutes ago. But, it was really 5 years ago. Holy crap.

So, you want to see a good time in Alaska? Check my my digs last night. I slept on the beach in between tides waiting for the salmon to come in. Sleeping bag. .44 pistol. Tarp. Good to go. God I love Alaska. I really, really do. I have not posted a pic of the kids lately (this blog tends to get a bit 'selfish' in the summer) so here they are. Doing great and growing up so darned fast. Soon, they will be with me on all the Alaska adventures. Kadee already loves her Rhino rides, as you can see. She is talking more and more. Yesterday, I was trying to sleep and she came in. I woke up and said "no, Kadee, let me sleep". She ran back to J and said "Dada mean". Funny stuff.

So, I am learning to make the best of what is a seemingly bad situation. One of my character flaws is that I tend to be a bit high strung. Ok, maybe a bit more than a bit. Anyways, I am learning to deal with that. It is helpful to have a guy around like Josh, one of our summer interns. Unflappable is the personality trait that comes to mind. For example, we are out on Katchemak Bay last night looking for halibut on "The Defense Rests". What do you think happens? The boat blows a hose and starts taking on water. At the same time the control panel for the bilge pump starts smoking and blows out. Now we are out at sea mind you. In the past, I might have panicked. Except now I expect to take on water. Josh just hopped back there and fixed the hose. We got out the manual bilge pump. We were fine. Nobody panicked. The only injured party (other than a nickel's worth of hide on Josh) were the beers we drank immediately thereafter. We learned a little more about the boat and how to deal with it. So we started fishing. And exploring.We found this amazing island and beached the boat and walked around. It was just super, super cool. It turns out we had a great time. It never really gets dark here and these pictures were taken around midnight.Today I am home on a break from fishing all 4 tides with the set net. I guess I just wanted to say thanks Josh. Without getting too corny here, I really appreciate having you here and will miss you when you go. I hope just a little of your attitude will rub off on me. Hell, it's FINE!

So, the boat has sucessfully gone on the water twice now. Tonight we took it out of the Kenai river and into Cook Inlet a half mile or so. There are a few minor problems but no fires. It didn't take on water or leave us stranded. Hell, that's a good night. I think it is because I finally named her. She is now "The Defense Rests". I hope that is better than "The Defense Sinks to the Bottom". Talking about that, I lost my trial. All four counts. Ouch. I start another one soon. Good thing too. I don't what is wrong with me but I have been restless lately. Edgy. I find myself wondering what I have done with my life. Thinking about all the things that I haven't done. At least being busy at work helps with that. I know. I know. There is no reason for it. I mean look at my life. I told a co-worker today how I was feeling and she agreed: perhaps it is good to feel this way. I'm not the type to be complacent. Anyways, the boat is running. One less aggravation. By the way, happy solstice! The photos were taken around 11:00 p.m tonight. Still light. Sweet.

So, I got my camera cord today. Sweet. Here are some random pictures of life in Alaska in the last week. The best place on Earth. Drinking beer by the ocean. Watching my boat take on water (again). Getting firewood. Riding in planes. Catching fish. Life goes on. Am in a felony trial. I have a bunch of work to do in the next few weeks but then Jeremy gets here for our hike and the boys get here for 10 days of fishing.

So, I am home. Am full of mixed emotions. I don't know why I do this to myself. On the one hand, for example, I got home last night after Kadee was in bed. This morning she opened the door to my room and just said "wow" and climbed into bed. I can't describe how that makes me feel. On the other hand, I had a great time in Ketchikan. The place felt right. Many thanks to Paul and KP for showing me a great time. I did get to go out halibut fishing and learned quite a bit about how to boat a little more safely. I just don't know. Am glad to be home but I miss my new friends. I miss Ketchikan and I feel an almost overwhelming sadness. Damnit. Why do I always have to make things so complicated? I do have one other topic. If you do an internet search for 'Alaska Public Defender' this site comes up pretty high. As such, most of the new lawyers (and interns) who join this Agency have read this site at least once. What I find so interesting is that somehow I have created this huge disconnect between who I am on this site and who I really am. I have been told more than once that I am not as huge a "douche" in real life as I am on this site. The boyfriend of one new intern told her to 'stay away from that guy'. I'm not really sure how that is. I do this blog for three main reasons: first, I want to chronicle my daughters lives. That is the most important. Second, I enjoy doing it. I write for myself often, just to remember. Yes, yes, I know this is a public forum. Finally, I know that there are some people who do enjoy it. I try to write about my life in Alaska. I try to avoid work to a certain extent. Being a Public Defender I can't talk too much about work. Sometimes I complain about the Agency. But this Agency is FULL of intelligent, competent, passionate lawyers. And as much as Ketchikan felt like home, I don't see myself leaving Kenai in the short term. My supervisor is the best boss I've ever had. The office I work in is full of damn good lawyers. I am amazed at the talent that the Public Defender Agency has managed to gather. The bottom line: I'm not sure why sometimes I seem "strange" online. Maybe it is because I am open to the world about how I sometimes struggle as a man. Maybe it is my views or how I choose to live. But I don't care. I live where I want. I defend those who can't defend themselves. I am healthy. I am surrounded by beautiful girls. My friends are the highest quality people who walk this Earth. And when I am sad or down it is usually because I am surrounded by so many amazing people that I just don't have the time to spend with them. Today I miss my new friends but I am a lucky man. Happy Father's Day.

So, I find myself quite sad today. Strange really. I have only been here a week but a big part of me doesn't want to leave. Perhaps it is because I was born and (mostly) raised in a place very similar and only a few hundred miles south. The smell of the sea air, the green ferns, the rain and the blue light of the hills all seem so natural to me. Even though I live close to the ocean, I really realize now how much I miss it. I have enjoyed my time in Ketchikan. Funny how one can be happy and enjoying oneself but yet feel sadness at the same time. I am looking forward to being home yet I am unwilling to leave. It reminds me that time keeps moving forward and there is nothing we can do about it.
P.S. This is the Hole in the Wall bar....one of the best bars I have ever been to.