Wednesday, September 10, 2014

So, the kids, as you can see, are doing great.  AJ lost her first tooth a few days ago. God they grow so quickly.  Thus,  I've been going out of my way to go camping and do things in California while we can.  Things at work are going objectively well to outsiders.  Of course, we continue to invest almost everything back into the place.  I don't mind doing that.  My only fear is that I look up and I am 50 and still in debt.  Still here.  I feel a clock ticking inside  me.  As I tell my clients, money is replaceable...time isn't.   Thus, the struggle continues.  This isn't easy in so many ways.  Of course, I continue to miss Alaska.
 It hasn't eased even a single inch in over two years.  The fall is in full swing in Alaska and I miss it horribly.  This blows.  That is all I can say.  I still feel like I am drifting....I haven't even finishing unpacking from Alaska and I don't intend to.  On the flip side, things are taking their sweet time.  We had to make a hard business decision and let my buddy Gabe go.  He is apparently going back to Alaska soon.  Despite my optimism for the future, there is a part of me that can't help be jealous, despite how hard it is on everyone.  At least I am taking the family to Alaska for Christmas.  It's hard to wait.     Despite my best efforts, I cannot find a way to be happy here.  The mass torts are taking forever and costing a fortune.  I am starting two new web sites, however, that hold amazing promise.  Both and could lead to the life I want.  I guess I will just keep going.    

Sunday, August 17, 2014

So, two years ago today, I landed in Washington State and began my journey first North for a new work visa and then South to California.  It feels like both just yesterday and a long time ago.  I have accomplished nothing in some ways and an incredible amount in other ways.  The kids are doing great and are growing like weeds.  The firm is doing great and looks like it is about to grow yet again.  Jeremy and I have a real plan to get rich.  We hope to be more or less out of here in 4 years.  Thank God.  I  still miss Alaska horribly.  However, it is quite cool.  My conversations with Jeremy have changed from "what if we don't make it" to "what are we going to do when the real money rolls in".  It happened slowly but I am now more confident than ever that I will spend the rest of my life home in Alaska.         To help the passing of time, I have decided to do all that we can in California.  I took a long weekend last weekend and took the trailer camping for the first time.  We took it into the Sierras.  It was hot but it was a blast.  I guess I can see, for the first time, the writing on the wall.  All will come right and the next ten years of my life are going to be quite the adventure indeed.    

Saturday, July 19, 2014

So, I'm back from Alaska.  To be honest, I took it better than I thought I would.  No tears this time.  We had a great time.  We went halibut fishing and to Tustumena.  God knows I need to supervise better: the boat blew away after an Associate didn't tie it up well.  Jeremy woke up in the morning and the boat was gone.  Thank God for his satellite phone.  A change in what gear I take next time is in order.  Talking about gear, I ordered enough stuff (and left it there) that camping in Alaska is not a problem. I think part of why I held it together was hope.  I hope, and am starting to believe, that I can be out of here within the next 4- 5 years.  If my health doesn't crap out, I can have a great life.  Jeremy and I have big plans and the ability to pull them off too.  Our Green Cards should be here in the next few months.  Now all I need is money.  God I just want to spend the rest of my life doing what I want.             To that end, I am spending another Saturday at my desk.  But, if it means that I can get out of here by the time I am 45 it will be worth it.  There's very little else to say.  Alaska was great.  I am back now and in the same routine of working and going home.  I'm edgy and bored at the same time.  But all will come right.   

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

So, I am finally starting to feel better about things.  No, the firm hasn't started making mad money.  But a couple of things are true.  First, J and I are getting close to a green card.  That will be huge.  Second, the stable of civil cases in the firm is growing.  We are still at the stage where they are costing money.  But, for the first time, I can see real financial success.  I'm determined to live my life exactly how I want to.  And no later than age 45.  I'm still working my tail off trying to keep the place together.  It's not that anything actual has changed.  It's just that I can see things changing.  And that is almost as good.  For me the hardest part is feeling "bored". I work hard and putter in my yard.  I really miss how active I was in Alaska.  Nevertheless, I will be there in a few weeks.  To say I am looking forward to it is a huge understatement.  The kids are doing great and J and I are getting along pretty well for a couple who have been married 10 years in July.  Ten years.  Good god.  It's been tough for us, and for her.  I hope the next ten are better, and easier.  As the kids get older and I hopefully get some money, I have big plans especially when it comes to travel.For example, I have always wanted to go to Italy. I hope to eat in this place before I die. Take the kids. Not worry about having to be anywhere or what it costs. I don't think that is too much to ask after a lifetime of work. Let's see how the next few months go.  

Monday, May 26, 2014

So, crap.  I don't what is worse....the fact that it is all burning or I am here.  I hate being here right now.  HATE IT!  A fire that has consumed hundreds of thousands of acres is burning out of control on the Kenai right now.  My favorite place on earth is being turned to ash as I sit in California.  It has left me profoundly unsettled and depressed.  I feel I should be THERE at a time like this. I hate having to rely on the words and pictures of others.  I hate not being there to help if needed.  I hate having to think of all the devastation and not being to see it with my own eyes.  I HATE IT!  I have never been "personally" affected by a natural disaster before.  I say that not to put myself in the situation of those in danger but my own emotions are being sorely twisted by this fire.  Not only are many friends in danger, but the place I love is being destroyed.  It will grow back but it will never look the same in my life.  I have 38 days until I land.  It can't come fast enough.  Instead I am struck in this......   Why can't I find a way to be happy? I know what it will take to BE happy but I can't quite there. Instead it is struggle.  I miss Alaska so horribly I honestly don't know how to take it some days. So watching this has left my more upset than I can remember....          

Friday, May 02, 2014

So, it's remarkable.  The thing about running a business.  We've had a couple of slow months here.  If things don't improve, we are going to have to make some major changes.  In my life right now there is only three pieces of news.  First, our Green Card is steaming ahead.  the I-140 was approved and, with luck, the Green Cards will be in our hands in about 4 months.  Second, I work.  I work a lot.  Third, I worry about money.  Fourth, I miss Alaska.  Not exactly news is it?  Guess I will have to see how long I can do this.  In 62 days I will be in Alaska.  I had arranged to go home early to do work on the house.  However, I have decided to try and sell it.  God I don't want to.  But the ways things are going will take 7 years to get debt free.  That's seven years of never owning a house.  Saving for retirement.  Having health insurance.  Just slogging through.  So it's for sale.  God.....

I have to think that eventually this will turn around. Our big party is on May 16.  Let's see what will shake loose. 

Thursday, April 24, 2014

So, Happy 6th Birthday AJ!  I can't believe it's been six years since that snowy day in Alaska when I got to see you for the first time.  You are quite the little different than your sisters.  I hope you have a fantastic day. I love you and your sisters more than you will ever know.  Everything I do, I do so you have all the opportunities I never had. Always know that I will do all I can for you and whatever I have is yours.  Whether we end up home in Alaska or not, I want you to have the life you deserve.  I love you.  Happy birthday.